Friends and Enemas
by Mythril Moth
Summary: During an Akuma attack, the students of Ms Bustier's class are trapped in the school, all the teachers are knocked out cold, and there's no sign of Ladybug or Chat Noir. Worse still, Adrien can't get away to transform because his classmates have roped him into helping Marinette with a little...medical situation. (Rated for raunch and toilet humor.)


**Author's Notes:**

A little something different. There's a ton of plotholes and logic faults in this thing, but it's just a silly raunchy crackfic, so don't take it too seriously.

Enjoy!

* * *

 **MIRACULOUS LADYBUG: "Friends and Enemas"**

 _by Mythril Moth_

The students of Ms Bustier's homeroom were gathered loosely outside the infirmary at Collège Françoise Dupont. The rest of the school was desperately trying to find a way to escape the latest Akuma's trap—at least, those who had not succumbed to Worst Aid's sedative needles, which had left the entire faculty sprawled over desks and in corridors, deep asleep. The school itself was tightly sealed with a thick, impenetrable plaster cast that had been booby-trapped on the inside with tons of huge, thick, sharp needles.

The good news, for the remaining students, was that the Akuma had left the school to terrorize the rest of the city. As far as most of those present were concerned, there was little else to do except wait for Ladybug and Chat Noir to deal with the Akuma and restore order.

There was just...a slight problem with that.

For the tenth time since all hell broke loose, Adrien Agreste scanned the area in the corridor, trying to find an opening to make a break for it and transform so he could escape to help Ladybug. Just as with each time before, someone noticed him trying to duck out and stopped him.

"Look, dude, _one of us_ has to go in there," Nino said patiently, fidgeting with his cap. "You said it yourself, she's our everyday hero. We _can't_ just turn our backs on her now! She needs us, and there's nothing any of us can do right now to help with the Akuma, so..." He shrugged expansively.

"And yet nobody's in a hurry to go in there," Adrien challenged. "Not even Alya, her _best friend_." He glared heatedly at Alya, who returned his glare with a cool look and folded arms.

"Look, I love Marinette like a _sister_ , but I've never _done this before_ and honestly? It's _straight up nasty_. But there's no telling when that Akuma's gonna be defeated and turn back into Nurse Culgras, and my girl's in there all sweaty and bloated and cramped up!"

"So do what a best friend does and help her out!" Nino challenged.

"Nuh-uh," Alya said. "No way. We're doing this democratically. We're drawing straws to see who goes in there."

"Oh hell no," Alix said, pulling a face.

"I'm with Alix," Chloé said, her face twisted in disgust. "There is _no way_ I'm putting _these hands_ on Dupain-Cheng's _rear end_."

Several of her classmates stopped in their tracks, blinking. Some very interesting facial expressions filled the hall.

Chloé blushed furiously. _"And that's EXACTLY WHY!"_ she screeched. "If I was going to do _anything gay_ with _any girl in Paris_ , it'd be _Ladybug_ , NOT _Marinette Dupain-Cheng!_ "

Adrien sighed heavily. "It's not...it's not _gay_ , Chloé," he said tiredly. "It's an enema. It's just...it's medicine!"

"BUTT medicine," Juleka mumbled with an amused snicker.

"Look, bottom line—heh, bottom—is it's down to you three," Kim said. "And maybe Rose. The rest of us have _really good reasons_ for not doing this."

Alya sighed. "Fine, fine," she said. "Me, Nino, Rose, and—"

"Uh, count me out too, babe," Nino said. "Not...not the best idea."

Alya pinched the bridge of her nose. "FINE!" she snapped. "Me, Rose, _Juleka_ , and Adrien will draw for it. Short straw goes in there and gives Marinette her enema."

Adrien tensed. "Actually I—"

"NO!" Alya said, making a slashing 'X' motion with her hands. "Nobody else chickens out! You, me, Rose, Juleka. Final count."

Adrien slumped his shoulders, sighing in defeat. "Alright, alright..." _*Sorry, My Lady. You'll have to get by without me a little longer. Maybe Rena Rouge or Carapace can fill in...*_

Mylène scurried up with a handful of bendy straws and a pair of scissors. "Okay!" she huffed. "I've got...straws..."

Alya raised an eyebrow. "You certainly do," she said. Shaking her head, she took the straws from Mylène, carefully lined four of them up so the ends were even, and made a diagonal cut across them. Handing the scissors back to Mylène, she handed the straws over to Nino, who cupped them in a closed fist and started shuffling them around. One by one, each of the four "volunteers" took a straw, comparing the ends.

Adrien's heart lurched into his throat, then dropped straight to the pit of his stomach. He had drawn the short straw.

Alya grinned and slapped him on the back. _"Bonne chance,"_ she said cheerfully. Shooting her a sour look, Adrien steeled his nerves and lurched jerkily into the infirmary.

Which was empty.

His heart skipped a beat. "M-Marinette?!"

He heard a banging sound from the unisex toilet in the infirmary, then running water. Marinette emerged from the toilet, looking pale and pitiful and waxy. Unlike her usual cute, stylish, and trendy look, today she was wearing pink sweats and an old sweatshirt. Her hair was an absolute mess. "Adrien?" she said. "Why are you—"

Adrien rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Alya sent me," he said. "To, umm..." He cleared his throat. "Your, umm...you know."

Marinette seemed confused for a moment. Then her eyes flew open wide in horror as she let out an alarmed squeak. She babbled up a string of something Adrien wasn't entirely sure were words but definitely carried an edge of profanity about them. He faltered. "Umm...yeah, so I know you probably don't want _a boy_ doing this, and I _tried_ to tell Alya that, but she insisted we draw straws..." He shrugged. "Want me to send her in here?"

Marinette deflated with a sigh. "No," she said. "The last thing I wanna do right now is put up with Alya being _Alya_. Besides, I get why she wanted to draw straws for this, it's...not exactly the most fun thing to do." She paused, then started flailing her hands around, her still-waxy face turning furiously red. "Ah! Not that I'm saying there are _fun things to do_ with my butt, or that you'd _want_ to do things with my butt, or—!" She jerked to a halt, then sagged forward, her shoulders hunched. "Oh god now I sound like a pervert," she moaned.

Adrien, for his part, was _incredibly_ red in the face after that tirade. "Yeah this just got really weird," he said. "I'm just gonna get Rose and—" Marinette let out a sudden sharp cry of pain. Adrien was at her side in an instant. "Marinette?! Are you alright?!"

Marinette nodded, wincing as she clutched her abdomen. "I'm okay," she slurred. "Just...bad...REALLY bad cramp..."

"Seriously, why did your parents send you to school like this?" Adrien wondered. "You should've stayed home today!"

Marinette shook her head. "It's not... _that_ bad," she said. "It just flares up every so often, that's why I need the _AAAGGGGH!_ "

Adrien squared his jaw. "Alright, up on the table," he said firmly. "I don't care how embarrassing this is, you're my friend and you're in pain. I'm giving you that enema."

Marinette's face glowed red like a burning coal, but she nodded meekly and crawled, supported by Adrien, onto the padded examination table. "I'm sorry about this," she mumbled.

"It's okay," Adrien said as he moved over to the metal tray where the enema kit was spread out. He frowned as he looked over it all. "Hmm. Well, I... _kind of_ get the gist of this, but—"

"I think there's directions on the box," Marinette said as she shifted around.

Adrien nodded and picked up the box, turning it over a couple of times before finding the instructions on the back. "Ah, here we go," he said. He read it over, his cheeks turning furiously pink as he glanced between the box and Marinette, then looked at the tube coiled up on the tray. "Oh geez." He swallowed heavily. "Um. Okay. So..." He coughed. "You've, umm... _had_ this thing before, right?"

"For the last couple of days, yeah," Marinette said as she settled in on her left side. "This is the first one I've had to have at school."

"Right, so...you understand what, umm...what I'm about to have to do here."

"Y-yeah."

Adrien nodded, idly fumbling the box over and over in his hands. "O-okay," he said. "S-so, I guess...first thing we gotta do is, umm...your p-pants have to, umm..."

"My pants? ...Oh." Marinette squirmed awkwardly. "R-right. Umm..." She winced, hissing as her stomach lurched. "Ugh." She lifted her hips up and wriggled her sweatpants and panties down, baring a few inches of her butt. "That's—you'll have to pull them down the rest of the way," she said, her voice trembling.

"Oh great, now _I_ feel like a perv," Adrien muttered. His hands trembled as he reached out and, carefully, peeled the fabric away from Marinette's rear, his face flushing more and more as inch after inch of bare bottom came into view. His breath hitched as he pulled Marinette's pants down to just below the tops of her thighs. He swallowed. "Um. Okay, so...yeah..." He jerked his hands away, grabbing onto the metal tray so hard it clattered loudly and nearly toppled over. "Um, yeah, s-so I'm gonna just...try to do this like a nurse would," he said. "Umm. S-sorry if I make you uncomfortable or...like, if you feel, y'know, upset by this or anything..." His eyes flicked from Marinette's rear to her face, then WRENCHED over onto the enema kit. "Y-yeah, and...I'll try not to, umm, _look at_ stuff down...down _there_ too much..." Even as he said this, his eyes flicked back to the one part of Marinette's body he knew, with moral certainty, he had _absolutely no business looking at ever_.

 _*Meow.*_

Marinette just whimpered and buried her face in her hands. "Just get it over with," she moaned.

"Right," Adrien said, busying himself with assembling the enema for use and pointedly _not_ looking at Marinette.

 _*Meow!*_

"Gloves!" Marinette half-mumbled, half-shouted. "You need gloves."

"Huh? Oh! Right, duh," Adrien said, facepalming. He grabbed a pair of latex gloves from the box on the nurse's counter and snapped them on. "Thanks," he said with a shaky laugh. "I forgot about that." Now with the appropriate gloves on and the enema assembled, he turned back to Marinette, holding the enema bag loosely in one hand and the rubber syringe in the other. He faltered as he studied Marinette's bare bottom, his eyes flicking over everything there was to see of his exposed, embarrassed friend.

 _*MEOW!*_

"Oh dear GOD I'd rather be fighting an Akuma right now," Adrien mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Marinette asked.

"Ah! Nothing, just—umm—trying to figure out the best way to get this tube in?"

"Oh," Marinette said. "W-well, um...straight? And...and in the, umm...h-hole?"

"Yeah, I think I got _that_ part," Adrien said. "I just..." He grimaced. "Umm...I'm gonna have to, well..." He gulped. "I don't exactly have a, I mean..." He sighed, his shoulders slumping. "I'm gonna have to hold your butt open," he said in a rush.

Marinette let out a sound like a chipmunk and a deflating balloon colliding in an atom smasher.

"I'MSORRY!" Adrien yelped breathlessly. "It's just...I gotta make sure it goes in right, and—"

"It's okay!" Marinette gasped out, her voice squeaking as if she were on helium. "It's...go ahead," she said, steeling herself, visibly trembling.

Adrien took a deep breath. _*Steady. You're Chat Noir, for crying out loud! You've jumped off the Eiffel Tower! You've fought giant babies and giant gorillas and giant ice cream snowmen! You've fought a freaking T-Rex! You can handle sticking a rubber needle up a cute girl's butt!*_

Fighting down violent, nervous trembles, Adrien placed his hand on Marinette's pale, smooth, perfect buttock _(*GAH!*)_ and gently prised it apart from its soft, round, peachlike twin _(*WHATAMIEVENDOING*)_ , gaining access to the small, puckered—

Adrien let out a high-pitched scream, let go of Marinette's butt, and shot across the room, plastering his back to the wall. "OHSWEETGODI'MSORRYI'MSORRYI'MSORRY—"

Marinette looked over her shoulder at him, eyes wide. "What? What?! Adrien, what—?" And then another cramp hit, and she curled in on herself, eyes squeezing tightly shut. _"AAHH!"_

And just like that, Adrien's nerves, hesitations, and doubts evaporated in a snap. He bounded back over to the table, pried Marinette's butt open again, and lined the syringe up against her anus. He took a deep breath and, in a soft voice, recited a brief mantra:

 _"Radiant. Carefree. Dreamy. Adrien. The enema!"_

And then he stuck the rubber needle up Marinette's butt and slowly squeezed the bag, flushing the medicine through the tube.

Marinette stared at him, eyes wide. "Did you just—"

"Don't," Adrien half-whined, half-groaned, his cheeks flaming as he averted his gaze from Marinette's face.

Marinette started giggling, her shoulders shaking furiously. "Oh my god, you DID," she stammered.

As soon as the bag was empty, Adrien pulled the syringe out of Marinette's butt and tossed the whole thing into the medical waste bin in the corner. "Thank god that's over," he said, stripping off his gloves and tossing them in with it, then washing his hands longer than absolutely necessary, using the sound of the water to drown out Marinette's giggles.

"I'll never be...be able to w-watch that a-ad AGAIN!" Marinette cackled, tears of laughter leaking out of her eyes. It may have been Adrien's imagination, but he thought he heard another high-pitched voice laughing somewhere in the room.

"Greeeeeeeat," Adrien drawled, twirling a finger in the air. "How are you feeling now?"

"Give it a few minutes," Marinette said as her giggles trailed off into soft snickers. "Umm...thanks," she said. "I, umm...thanks."

Adrien smiled. "What are friends for?" he said.

"Y-yeah...friends," Marinette said, her tone somewhat dispirited. Adrien frowned.

"You sure you're okay?" Adrien asked, rolling the nurse's stool around so he could look Marinette in the face and sitting down.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just tired and embarrassed," Marinette said. "You, um, you don't have to sit here with me or anything now, I—"

"I'm not just gonna leave you alone in here," Adrien said. "I mean, if you'd rather have Alya sit and wait with you, that's fine, but—"

"No!" Marinette said hastily. "I mean..." She coughed. "I already have _one_ pain in my butt right now, I don't really need another."

Adrien snorted. "Gah!" he squeaked. "That was worthy of Chat Noir!"

"It's the mortification talking," Marinette said with a roll of her eyes. She sighed. "Alright, if...if you really want to sit with me until it kicks in, that's fine," she said. "It's about another...what, ten minutes?"

Adrien glanced at the clock. "Ten, twelve, something like that." He twiddled his thumbs, averting his eyes shyly as his cheeks heated up again. "So, umm...listen," he said. "I, umm...I feel like I owe you an apology for, y'know, seeing _everything_." He made a vague gesture. "I mean, I know it was an emergency and all, but I don't feel like I had the right to see anything I saw—y'know—and—"

Marinette held up a hand to stop him. "It... _really_ is not as big a deal as you're making it," she said. "Really it isn't. I mean, I know you're not...some kind of pervert or something." She blushed furiously. "I mean, yeah, I wish it'd been Alya who took care of this, and it _should've_ been and I'm gonna give her _hell for this_ when I'm over the whole thing, but..." She smiled sheepishly. "I trust you, Adrien. More than almost anybody else. So...don't worry about it."

Adrien smiled. "Okay," he said. "And...thank you."

An awkward silence descended. Adrien pulled out his phone after a few minutes. "Huh, Ladybug still hasn't shown up to fight the Akuma," he said.

"Really?" Marinette asked, her voice strangled as she shuffled slightly on the table. "That's so unlike her. But...but at least Chat Noir is handling things, right?"

"Uhh...no," Adrien said, his voice hitching. "They say the Akuma's just running wild."

Marinette gasped, starting to sit up. "But that's—!"

"Hey, lay back down!" Adrien said. "Be still until it's time to, umm...flush out, okay?"

"R-right," Marinette stammered. "But seriously? _Nobody's_ doing _anything_ about the Akuma?"

"Yeah," Adrien said, worry in his tone. _*Ladybug, where ARE you?*_

* * *

"Where ARE those accursed heroes!?" Hawk Moth snarled. Worst Aid had been rampaging for over half an hour in the middle of the day, with nary a sign of his nemeses. "They should have shown themselves by now!"

In the shadows of his cloister, Nathalie Sancoeur adjusted her glasses. "Perhaps they were incapacitated before they could transform," she suggested. "Or perhaps something else is preventing them from joining the battle."

"What could _possibly—_ "

"Ladybug and Chat Noir are children," Nathalie said dispassionately. "Children get sick, have doctor's appointments, and so forth. It's inevitable that you'd release an Akuma on a day where neither hero is in any position to respond."

Hawk Moth's lip curled. "We'll wait another hour," he decided.

* * *

Marinette staggered out of the infirmary some time later, weak, pale, and shaking, sweat plastering her hair to her head and her shirt to her body. She slumped down against a wall and let out a tired sigh. Adrien rushed to her side holding a large bottle of sports drink. "Here, you need to rehydrate," he said.

"Thanks," Marinette said tiredly, uncapping the bottle and draining it.

"Feeling better?" Alya asked. Everyone was staring intently at Marinette.

She made a face. "I'll live," she said. "Is the school still sealed off?"

Alya shook her head. "Chat Noir showed up about forty minutes ago and used his Cataclysm," she said. "Most everyone cleared out. We all hung around to make sure you were okay."

Marinette looked around; to her surprise, with the exception of Lila, her entire class was present—even Chloé. She smiled. "Thanks, you guys," she said. She shook her head. "And the Akuma?"

"Weirdest thing," Nino said. "About five minutes ago, the attack just... _stopped_. The cops took Nurse Culgras to the hospital to have her checked out." He toyed with the brim of his cap. "Ladybug never showed and Chat Noir never went after the Akuma."

"It's got a lot of people talking," Alya said. "I mean, Ladybug's _never_ been a no-show before."

Marinette frowned. "Maybe she was sick," she said softly. "I mean, even superheroes get sick, right?"

"If our Marinette can get sick, anyone can get sick," Adrien said gently. "Anyway, since everyone's still knocked out from the Akuma, school's pretty much done for the day. You need a hand getting home?"

Marinette nodded. "Y-yes, please," she said shakily.

"Well, I suppose I'll have my daddy's driver pick me up," Chloé said importantly, tossing her hair. She looked around the hall, one eye closed and one eye open. "I _suppose_ I can find a ride for one or two of you," she added in as sour a tone as she could.

"I'll help Adrien take butt-girl home," Alya said cheekily, earning a glare and a headshake from Marinette. "I mean, you'll need a hand getting settled in so you can rest, right?"

"O-oh...yeah," Marinette said distractedly, poking her fingertips together.

Everyone drifted away, then, with Adrien and Alya helping Marinette the short distance to the boulangerie. Once they'd wrangled her up to her room, Adrien bid her farewell and left, already on the phone with Nathalie. Alya fussed over Marinette for several minutes, then left—followed by a death glare and a promise of retribution for the _entire_ enema fiasco.

A short time later, once Marinette was left alone to rest in her room and Adrien's driver had arrived, Adrien offered Alya a ride home. The Gorilla's car was two blocks from the boulangerie when a healing wave of magical glowing ladybugs washed over the city, cleaning up all the damage wrought by Worst Aid. Ladybug dropped through the trap door and flopped back onto her bed, her transformation dissolving and leaving behind a rumpled, bloated, tired Marinette. "I messed up big time today," she moaned.

"You're only human, Marinette," Tikki said soothingly. "When you can't fight, you can't fight. Just be glad today's Akuma wasn't too bad."

"I guess," Marinette said with a sigh. "I wonder why Hawk Moth called her off, though?"

"Yeah, that's weird," Tikki agreed. She glanced at Marinette slyly. "So, today was an experience," she said.

"Don't, Tikki," Marinette moaned, burying her face in one of her stuffed pillows. "Just don't."

Tikki giggled. "Get some rest, Marinette." She flew off to her own little nest. Marinette dropped the pillow, curled up on her side, and let herself drift off...

"Radiant. Carefree. Dreamy. Adrien! The enema!" Tikki sang, bursting into tiny fairy giggles.

Marinette grabbed her pillow and screamed into it.

 **FIN**

* * *

 _Miraculous Ladybug is the intellectual property of Zagtoon, Method Animation, Toei Animation, and Thomas ASTRUC. This intellectual property is used without permission with no intent to profit from said use. The unique content contained on this page is the property of Mythril Moth, and redistribution of this content without express permission is strongly discouraged._


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